remember?

remember sayang when we talked about how good people at times suffer great hardships?

"On no soul does God place a burden greater than it can bear." (al baqarah)

letter

to the few people who reads this very personal blog, forgive my sudden surge of sentimentality, but i really cannot help it.

i love you. i crumble when you are not here, and you are only leaving for a mere three days! and to think that i left you for nine months, i can't imagine what that must have felt like.

i am so sorry for not paying attention to you during the the past months, especially in october. it was unacceptable. i am so sorry for not trusting you, when it was i who made irrevocable mistakes. i'm so sorry i am so forgetful and flawed. i am so worthless of you. but i need you.

ensemble

it dawned upon me : i don't know what i'm doing. i looked at things that i like, and tried figuring out why i liked them. also looked at things which i find appalling, and hope i'd never do that bad of a job. there is an idea, which i believe is strong enough to execute. however, i can't get my head around its composition.

perhaps i need to think a little differently. or perhaps i need not think at all.

hina

i am only happy when i am with you.

you deserve every happiness - nothing but the best.

i only pray for you, not for anyone else, not even for myself.

never do i want to be the one who causes you so much grief.

i am a fool, for what i've done, for how i've acted.

i love you. no one else but you - unconditional, eternal.

one

looking at my left palm, i realised i may not live that long.
should i believe in these nonsense? it does not matter.
did it bother me should these things be true? not at all.

it did, however, made me think about what is important. who is important.

could it be that i am blessed with a certain ability to compensate for a certain lack? i do not know, not yet at least.

time may or may not be by my side. what i do know, is that right here and now, i feel whole; love gave me strength, faith gave me peace. i no longer crave success. surrender i shall to the natural flow of what i will become.



p.s. melbourne has a knack for making me rather cynical. kuala lumpur turns me into this hapless romantic. who happens to be unfortunately broke and jobless.

ti amo

words can only say so much. but without words, how are we to express what we feel?


sentimentality aside, i must admit that i am never happier. knowing this happiness will not last, i shall strive with everything i have to make you happy.


words. they only say so much. but without words, how are you to know how i feel?

..

i didn't know what went on in your head tonight. for once i cannot read you.

terus terang i cakap, i do not and have never loved anyone else. perhaps you feel uncertain as i had yet to declare this public, and that you want more assurances than words, but you have to trust me on this - that my love for you, and only you, is unconditional.

i have nothing to hide.

you have to trust me. in this little head of mine, i think about you all the time, and that is one fact never publicly addressed.

until now.

yesterday

yesterday, the shadow meets the light.
they have waited for so long.
best of all, it was not a dream. nor a delusion.

coincidence?

my sis pointed this out: that my current hair is kinda similar to hedi slimane's. i think hedi's an amazing talent, one of the my biggest influences, and guess what: a brilliant photographer as well. he filled a niche that needed to be addressed, and the world was never the same again.

ma

- My Name is Red, Orhan Pamuk
Blindness and Memory

"before the art of illumination there was blackness an afterward there will also be blackness. through our colors, paints, art and love, we remember that Allah had commanded us to "See"! to know is to remember what you've seen. to see is to know without remembering. thus, painting is remembering the blackness. the great masters, who shared a love of painting and perceived that color and sight arose from darkness, longed to return to Allah's blackness by means of color. artists without memory neither remembers Allah nor his blackness..."



-In Praise of Shadows, Tanizaki

"whenever I see the alcove of a tastefully built Japanese room, I marvel at our comprehension at the secrets of shadows, our sensitive use of shadows and light. for the beauty of the alcove is not the work of some clever device. an empty space is marked off with plain wood and plan walls, so that light drawn into it forms dim shadows within emptiness. there is nothing more. and yet, when we gaze into the darkness that gathers behind the crossbeam, around the flower vase, beneath the shelves, though we know perfectly well it is mere shadow, we are overcome with a feeling that in this small corner of the atmosphere there reigns complete and utter silence; that here in the darkness immutable tranquility holds away."

on bimbos. and freaks of nature

1.

bimbos: good in small dosages.

ah, so they're like cocaine?

coke is expensive. bimbos are cheap.


2.

freaks
of nature
i can see straight through

motto. mental.

"i will love you for you
i will accept you
even if the rest of the world thinks you are unlovable,
i will see you for what you really are"