la casa: June 2006

purple haze + then

PURPLE HAZE

[and now for something completely irrelevant to the photos]

THEN

i remember a kampung.

i remember an old lady. our neighbour. we ate fried chicken at her house one day. she told us how unhealthy it was eating chicken skin. but i don't remember how she looked like.

i remember burning rubbish. open fire and an aerosol can. it exploded. i remember playing with a screwdriver, and jabbed it in my eye. i remember falling off my new bike. i cried. but i don't remember the pain.

i remember the red ants on the mango tree. the cries subside as my mom gave me some mangoes from the tree. i don't remember the taste.

i remember a river. muddy. i remember a stall selling ais kacang. we used to go there all the time. we played with bottle caps. and with rocks.and mud. but i don't remember who 'we' were.

i remember a cat. that fateful day our car was on reverse. i could not forget the look on its face as it stared at me. its last moments. but i don't remember its name

i remember reciting verses at a run down shack. but i don't remember any, at all.

whatever remains in my memory now. i hope i never forget.

the light that shines distant (self portrait)

he turned his back away

from the light that shines distant

yet reflected dimly in his eyes

traces of it

he dissolves into nothingness

but he knows it remains, always, reflected

for it is a part of him, insaperable.

untold

i wonder whatever happened to the child within? that innocence. inexhaustibly optimistic, that feeling that you could achieve anything and everything. bravely chasing clouds, horizon's no limit.

i wonder what went 'wrong' as we 'grew up'?

we learn. we become smarter. we love. we suppress emotions. we trust. we lose trust. we become accustomed to the so-called reality and the paradox we live in. we observe, and realize how ugly people can be. we fell into the trap of making barriers to protect ourselves... but alas, cynicism substituted our optimism.

we open up to the world, only to be bruised and betrayed. we meet people who preach of many things, feeding us sensibilities, telling us what to do, and how to. "this is the way of the world", they say.

the untold
the ugliness
the difficulty
the things they call sensibility
wrecks yourself
or at least the optimism

goodbye clouds. hello world.

but then again, why should we ever submit to this. i've always had much more respect for children compared to most adults i've met. to witness people growing up, and to see this exuberance just fade away... is sad. also, to see grown men and women merely content with their nine-to-five jobs is beyond my comprehension. [though it makes sense in a capitalist economy to have 'workstation-fodder' - a term my lecturer came up with, which does sound degrading actually] i guess idealism can only go so far, but still, that isn't the point.

the untold
the ugliness
the difficulty

the things they call sensibility
wrecks yourself
or at least the optimism

the clouds are clearing up
but i am still holding on

i don't want to grow old, and regret what i haven't accomplished, or even attempted. for Johann Goethe said, "Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."

28 months later

mathematics building

the potter

walter burley griffin's newman college

it's been well over 28 months since i landed myself in melbourne. even as i took these just days ago, i could not believe how lucky i was. five years ago, i would have never thought this was even possible. i had no such dreams.

and then my paradigm changed. and now i am here.

to think that so many people have wasted this opportunity is appaling. and to think that a university education simply meant doing whatever people tell you, for the sake of passing, is just as unfathomable. hopefully what one brings back home is more than just a set of information (which was never ours to claim anyway), but also a wiser state of mind.