d day

i am exaggerating. my results are due today. i know it is not that important, and please i don't want to listen to people saying there are more important things cause i know ...

but ... i really want to do well for my master degree. i may not be the most talented guy of our bunch, but i know i do have what it takes to secure some academic honours. and heck i came so close, always missing them by a few percentages to get that perfect clean report.

"if i had just worked a little harder ... "

ifs. to see life through ifs, that's not a good attitude. no no no.

it seems some kind of pathological perfectionism broke loose the day i entered college. back then, i was a normal high school graduate ... who suddenly was placed amongst a bunch of academic high-achievers. the 'creme of the crop', as ma'am gauri called us . call it fate, or a stroke of luck, but i sure as hell did not expect to be there at all. fuck, i did not have any expectations then.

and it was after that point in my life that i began to develop unrealistic expectations of what i could (and thus should) achieve. it drastically altered where i saw myself in the future; i began to realize some kind of self potential. and consequently set ambitions.

and now i don't know what to do. i just wait. sometimes i think i lack passion. or perhaps it is perfectionism that is holding me back and causing all this self-doubt.