irreversible

"why do we hurt the most, the ones we love the most?"
gubra

i don't even know where to begin. my emotions overwhelmed, but my devices limited, i never was a good writer. i lack wisdom, never knowing what it meant to be in love. approaching 24, despite all the drama i have been through, i was still incapable of differentiating love. i would watch a film about love, understanding what it was about but never feeling it. i've cried, but i guess i always cry out of loneliness, and not loss.

a good friend told me that when it's real, you would take on a shooting arrow and die for the person you love. i suppose he was talking about making sacrifices.

i was always the selfish one.

today. i made a decision. the truth is i could not trust myself to be strong enough to take this on. as much as both crave for one other, i couldn't. for i am weak.

today. i made that sacrifice. not knowing what it fully meant.

today. i decided to pick up a book, veronika decides to die. it's about time i did. after all, i am approaching 24, as was veronika when she decided to stuff her system with sleeping pills. then i revisited my past, another of the few decision i've made in life, and some friends i have left for a long time ago. and later i had the urge to watch yasmin's mukhsin, a film i have seen once and really liked, but never truly empathized with.


Ne me quite pas plays as mukhsin stood alone, looking into the home of a happy family. slowly, my self-induced sedation began to wear off. reality sinks in. i finally realised what we were and what is to become of us.

The minute I heard my first love story
I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
(rumi)

I fell in love, for the first time ever, against the odds and circumstances. Believe me or not, I don't fucking care. As I watch Orked took off after reading the note on the kite, running after him ... I realised that this was it : I will probably never see you again, or hear you, or kiss you.

i cried uncontrollably. and how ironic; today was the day I was finally convinced, that you loved me too.

Don’t leave me now
We must just forget
All we can forget
All we did till now
Let’s forget the cost
Of the breath we’ve spent
Saying words unmeant
And the times we’ve lost
Hours that must destroy
Never knowing why
Everything must die
At the heart of joy
Don’t leave me now
Don’t leave me now
Don’t leave me now
(ne me quite pas)

i will never forget this day, my last moments with you, every second of it. in a day or two, the trace of your scent will dissipate from my arms. in time, we will each move on, but i can only hope that you will not forget me. (you don't even have a picture of me) i am so sorry. for everything.

my blog ends here, guess i wont be updating for a while.